In a chiropractic/acupuncture session this morning, I realized how much I was energetically holding onto and how blocked I’d been. As the energy released from my body, rushing from my head downwards and out the soles of my feet, I suddenly felt free and alive again!
“Your Life Energy is kind of over here in a corner,” my lovely chiropractor explained, indicating somewhere near the floor. “You need to get it moving again.”
Ah. Yes.
She couldn’t have been right-er. But I’d been asleep. Unaware. Holding on to what I was hoping for, wanting—caring so much about—it all seemed so urgent and important a few moments before. But all of a sudden I could see it: just sticky globs of stuck energy gluing blinders over my eyes and blocking the flow, joy, relaxation, fun…Life.
It’s so clear:
Energetically holding on to anything at all only blocks the flow of awareness of Now.
It really is that simple.
Holding on means investment. Investment means agenda. Now, I don’t think agenda is a bad word—we have agendas all the time. Agendas can just be inspired action: I have an agenda to do the laundry and clean the guinea pig home. Fine.
But when we’re invested in other people’s behavior or choices, we’re frankly effed. A) because we have no control there and B) because it’s none of our business. We’re just being nosy and manipulative and controlling. Ew.
Even if it’s out of “love”.
And that’s what I was doing: carrying an agenda and investment in someone else’s choices and behavior, someone I L(l)ove very much—a sometimes seemingly tricky arena in which agenda and investment can often somewhat believably masquerade as “love” and “care”. It isn’t tho, really, even if we think we want to protect someone (child-children must be protected of course and that’s our inspired agenda as parents and caregivers of little ones). We can offer. We can be there. But we have to stay in our own lane. Worrying, hoping, trying, angsting… it’s not Love. And it makes us dead to Life.
Love with a lower case l is just ego.
We don’t love with our ego. An illusion cannot Love. Our ego only knows investment, control and manipulation. Love isn’t what it’s here for. The ego’s purpose is our survival (as part of Love) and Love itself has no purpose; it’s just What Is.
Love with a capitol L… now that Love is free. Love with a capitol L is “I hear you, I see you, I honor you and your choices.” Love is effortless. It’s free of wanting, trying, motivating, convincing, hoping. Ego, agenda, persona, investment kinds of “love”? Those are effort.
Not that we don’t offer information, our own point of view or discuss. But we offer and then we leave it. And we don’t get butt-hurt if it’s not heard or seen or followed…and if we do, we are responsible for that. We don’t put it on the other person. It’s all there for us to realize who we are.
Love.
Connecting my awareness back with my body through my breath, accepting this poky salve of acupuncture, feeling it all release out of the soles of my feet—what a gift. It all became so clear. So simple. Holding on is not only useless, it’s heavy. It’s aging. It’s depressing. It’s ugly and gross. And it serves as a foothold for the ego. A distraction, even if it’s not enjoyable in the usual sense, but one the ego enjoys nonetheless. Maybe the ego/persona gets a kick out of feeling superior, out of “I know what’s best”, or just out of the mental masturbation of the whole thing.
For the ego, just about anything but Now will do. Almost anything, really.
But to release the energy of holding on, of carrying anything at all: that’s IT.
That engulfment in This. Here. Now. That’s all there is.
What a relief.