If you’re like me, every Halloween you spend a few serene moments pondering how on this particular holiday (and, actually, anytime during this last health scare de jour), masked psychopaths could just run around murdering people unchecked.
And then I remember that there are actually much scarier—because they are institutionalized and normalized—pervasive evils pulling off a different kind of violence on a daily basis.
Like this:
The other day I stopped off at a store with my daughter and the owner asked me what I do. “Well,” I began as usual, nodding at my little girl, “I’m primarily momming this one,”
But alas, I’d paused too long.
Before I could add Part II * he’d Said It:
“So… you don’t work.”
It’s almost as if I need to add here that there WAS a Part II because even I (as in I’m the person who’s writing this essay) am still so influenced by—or maybe just aware of—our stupidly biased culture. The utter and obvious fact that I and every being is complete and interesting and worthy, period, flies in the face of this myth that value lies only in a few culturally-sanctioned careers. And as a mother, it is assumed that I don’t even work. Ugh.
I will not go off on my tirade today regarding the fact that as someone who has worked my ass off to obtain not one but two master’s degrees and five bachelor’s degrees (while also parenting!) and has worked at several 9 to 5 and otherwise careers (while also parenting!)—toot toot—that I have never worked harder or been more challenged on a deeply existential level (and on every other level) than I have as a mother. Anyhoo…apparently to the majority of people I run into who are oblivious enough to Say It—including some other mothers, btw—mentioning parenting my daughter as my main occupation is kind of a power-off-dismissal button.
Shit.
As mothers, we are frequently asked to justify this choice, quickly add our impressive Part II, or remain invisible.
Disgusting.
We might recall that we are women who are also mothers.** Not SOLELY mothers, as if that were a completely separate thing. Part of the problem historically, I suppose, is that we are women in the first place. But it seems to me that the title of mother, in itself, is often treated as a D-level value term that attempts to rob women of their inherent worth. Not to mention the inherent worth of raising children.
The inspiration for this essay was not, in fact, that clueless store guy. Unfortunately, that incident is just one of many, many identical incidents in every mother’s life. What inspired me was a re-reading of Jessi Klein’s opening essay on motherhood in her soul and gut-wrenching comedic book, I’ll Show Myself Out. While hilarious and true and heartbreaking (it makes me cry every time I read it because of all those things), mostly, I find it sad, because in this essay, Jessi writes from the depths of the devalued-mother myth culture. While as a new mother she is shocked to discover that mothers are on their own internal hero’s journey (previously reserved and defined only for outwardly-bound males), she also acknowledges that this is a truth pretty much undetectable in the mainstream.
…we’ve all just internalized that the word “mommy,” when used as an adjective, automatically diminishes whatever noun comes after it. I guarantee you if Ernest Hemingway were alive and writing an online column about his experience of being a father, no one would call it a “daddy blog.” We’d call it For Whom the Bell Fucking Tolls.
—Jessi Klein
I think we can pretty much leave it at that.
But let’s not.
It has to be commented on that the fact that many of these disparaging judgements come from women and from mothers themselves just speaks to the completeness of the hypnosis: even we believe the lie and tie ourselves and our value to this cultural diss.
I just want to attempt to relay here how discouraging all of this is to women who are mothers. How demeaning. How awful. How stupid. We are the people who are raising everyone. We are the unseen legion who are making it possible for everyone to survive and go on to become people who disdain women who are mothers.
IMPORTANT ASIDE: Of course there are a minority of dads out there who play the “traditional” mother stay-up-all-night, stay-home-and-create-snacks-in-a-smiley-shape, make-sure-the-baby-survives role—kudos to you, for reals, but I bet you don’t get The Comment/Question very often. In fact, I bet you get a lot of props. As you should. And let’s of course also acknowledge those men (and women or whoever) who are financially supporting women primarily raising children—an incredibly valuable and necessary role, given the truly deplorable state of things in this arena.
I hope that someday this culture disaster shifts. I hope that someday women no longer need to have this epic revelation that consciously raising children is perhaps a legitimate way to spend your time and life-energy. I hope that someday no one has to have this realization, because it will be obvious. Obvious, but also honored, respected and valued. Oh, and valued not only in the wow-you’re-sacrificing-so-much-you-must-be-such-a-good-person pat-on-the-head way, like teachers or social workers get, but valued in the way we show value in this culture (e.g., like to a surgeon): with financial remuneration. Really, of all jobs and roles, if one is doing it well, who would deserve this more than those raising the next generation?
So everyone, including mothers, I implore you from the depths of my soul, STOP SAYING THIS SHIT:
So you don’t have to work? / I don’t work.
So you don’t do much else? / It’s pretty much all I do now.
Do you have a job? / I don’t have a job right now.
Are you just a mom then? / I’m just a mom.
SERIOUSLY, STOP SAYING IT!!! Erase it from your phrase-banks. Delete anything like this from ever coming out of your mouth again before it does. Shame on whoever invented this defamatory, awful, dismissing lie that raising children isn’t worth shit in the world. And shame on us if we perpetuate it.
THE DISCLAIMER: I get it; it wasn’t any one person who invented it. And it’s not our fault we have been enculturated into it. Perhaps people are using the term work as in “work outside the home”. And sure, not everyone thinks raising children is worthless. I get that there’s no simple answer, and our culture is built on capitalism, not actual worth; in this world, rewards are generally not heaped on those who’s financial worth is zip. And sure, maybe there are more important things to rage about in this day and age, but then again, maybe not. In any case, it doesn’t make any of this right, and I think we need to stop harming ourselves and our children with any kind of validation of the myth of the valueless mother. We have to do better. Mothers are invaluable. Parenting is invaluable, no matter who is doing it.
Alright. Enough of this. Now go enjoy your Halloween. But just count for me, how many kids are dressing up this year (or any year), in a non-satirical way, as…uh…moms…
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*Which generally would be some part or version of the fact that I also write and health coach and maybe I’d have even made a brief reference to my previous work as an actor or a Speech Pathologist (look, it’s even capitalized, must be legit).
**This essay addresses a phenomenon quite possibly specific to women who are mothers in North America in 2022 (and prior). This is not to exclude anyone. Anyone of any gender may enact the “traditional” (another inflammatory term we could explicate) role of mother, and may encounter any number of reactions to that. I’m talking about my experience here, as a woman and as a mother.
Wow what a wonderfully articulate comment, Adrian! Thank you for pulling the thread on this and kind of "bringing it home". So astute--I love your comment on the devaluing of nurturing and grace specifically... beautiful. Thanks so much for taking the time to post this, much appreciation <3
Beautiful article, Christy. Thank you! One of the most tenacious tenets of 'feminism' is the notion that a woman's life has little to no value unless it 'creates value' in the marketplace. Sadly, this assertion was driven home and firmly took hold decades ago. Interesting however, that men, for ages, were foisted into the role of 'success object' but were ultimately bashed for acquiring 'power' and pursuing wealth, yet feminists urged women to engage in the same soul-crushing endeavors - and went on to malign and marginilize those who didn't march in lockstep with their materialist conditioning. Sadly, it became a societal imperitive to devalue the gifts of nurturing and grace. Yes - Much that is *truly* rich was sacrificed at the altar. But maybe we are learning the hard way, as we survey the devastating societal wreckage, that a price tag cannot be put on a strong, loving family. And that it is true - the hand that rocks the cradle- rocks the world.