Writing is one way I find answers. The page is a worksheet where I work out problems and find their solutions. Basically, it’s just math. Proofs, theorems, equations; seeing my work helps me to see what’s there, to not miss anything important. And now I’m working out the problems with the highest stakes.
Like, how do I disappear without disappearing? How does the ego cease to master the life motivations of the individual? In particular: mine. My life.
Less than 1 minute into meditation I remember the answer: “embrace the pain and you will win this game.”*
And Ram Dass: Remember Be Here Now.
It’s so simple really, but Gold isn’t having it.*
I’ve been tap dancing a lot. Creating little vignettes. Watching the drivel. Circling the circus. Playing at meaningless games. Asking the wrong questions, writing—intentionally stalling.
And the answer isn’t here, on the page—although it’s helped me drill down to where it is. But I do know how to find it after all.
Get off the wheel, woman, get off the wheel. Just step off.
And boom—there’s the old ego equation again
“What’s in it for me???”*
—it’s old investments—keeping me “safe”.
Nope! Can’t picture it! What will there be? Just step off onto…what? Better to just keep dancing. Entertain yourself. Play the games.
“I AM YOU!”*
I don’t believe it anymore though. Not really.
(“You ain’t me”)
And it’s time. I know it is. All the pieces are in place—I’m just marking time. Precious, precious time when I could be living.
Enough.
Okay.
Remember the moment in the film* where Sorter realizes everything and saves the little girl in the cupboard?
Yeah. Well.
Here we go.
*I came across the below video before this stack was scheduled to go out and thought it perfectly encapsulated and explained what I’d written—so I added it here.
*Revolver
Yes,
ChRiSTY...
It felt like;
the EXTREME LEVEL of Depravity there
short~circuited sorter's crossed~wires
from a 'BAD~GUY' to a 'GOOD~GUY'
~&~ in the TWINKLING of an EYE
he died as a HERO {of sorts ; }
*AnY~ThAnG iS P0SSiBLe...
~wiLL0w~